with the name of Allah the Most Merciful the Most Beneficent
btul ke kmu Azriatul Farahain? btul ke kmu ni Ain?
ive been in a self-crisis here.
pd org lain mgkn x penting, pd sy ya, sgt pntg.
sy konfius dgn dr sndr. is this really me? a heartless+cold+cruel person?
it keeps haunting.
seolah-olah mmpi ngeri mcm tu xkn pernah berhenti.
one moment i am a happy cheerful ain, but one moment i can just turn into heartless ain. is it becuz of wat happened in my past just turned me into a switch? like in 1 split second, everything i feel, i just can counteract it. tbe2 je perasaan tu jadi sebaliknya. i DON'T want it to happen, but it just turned. huhu, seriously sgt sedih skrg.
i feel awful, not awesome, but awful.
ntah la, kdg2 rs mcm dr sndr ni x deserved utk happy.
happy utk ain is an omen.
huhu, it's like, when i reached to the edge of a happy life, sumthing said "oh look, oh look, ain is going to be happy. better get her back here.."
and the thing just grab me back to my original place. wic is not happy side.
please, i don't want to be hurt again.
adakah sbb itu? trauma? so that any tiny trigger can give a signal wic cuz all da defenses, the wall to build up again? please, dont hurt me please..
but its too late, im already hurt.
jadi rasa yg 1 tu dtg lagi.
yg setia dtg bila hati serba x kena.
feel like drowning.
drenched in my pain again, gasping for air, an air who can define me who i really am. kamu, sy sgt perlukan bantuan kamu. can u help me please?
dear Allah, bantu saya kenali diri saya semula. im a stranger..
sy dah jadi orang yg x fhm dgn dr sndr. x fhm dgn apa yg sy mahukn. x fhm dgn apa yg sy rasa. perasaan ni sgt asing bg saya..
the worst is,
i end up hurting u..